How to Overcome the Single Holiday Blues
By Dr. Terri Orbuch
The holiday season is supposed to be a time to spend relaxing meals and converse with family and friends. After all, that’s what we see in movies and TV shows, isn’t it? For many singles however, holiday dinners can mean stressful family get-togethers and loneliness if a long-term relationship or marriage has ended. How do you survive this stressful period of time? How do you handle family holiday meals with relatives who constantly ask you about your dating life or when you’re getting married (again)?
First and foremost, remember, you are not alone in experiencing family-based stress over the holidays. Studies show that most people have high levels of stress over the holidays. There are several reasons for this. First, holiday guest lists are often based on obligation rather than choice. Stress is also inevitable because families bring their historic baggage to the get-togethers. In addition, we don’t typically take care of ourselves (physically and mentally) during the holiday season and we set high expectations for ourselves and others in terms of what we can do and how people “should” get along. These unrealistic expectations often lead to frustration and disappointment.
This year, don’t let the holidays get you down. Instead, make this holiday season a good one. Based on observations of singles in my long-term study, funded by the NIH and ongoing since 1986, here are 8 strategies that have been shown to help singles overcome their holiday blues—and feel good about themselves!
1. Get out and remember to connect.
This strategy works because when you’re engaged with other people, the loneliness goes away. It’s a bit like keeping your mind busy to starve off hunger. Join a gym that has group exercise or dance classes. Seek the company of friends and family. In our busy lives— with email, voicemail, and testing—it’s easy to forget that we need to slow down, take a breather, and make time to truly connect with others. Invite coworkers out for a drink. Take a class at a local community college. Grab a quick cup of coffee with a friend. It takes effort, but you’ll instantly feel better.
2. Volunteer.
By volunteering, you become less concerned with your own problems; your own person issues may suddenly appear very small compared to the challenges of those you are helping. Put the focus on others this holiday season and what you can do for them. You’ll feel good about helping others, you’ll keep your mind from dwelling on your emotions, and you’ll keep your perspective in check.
3. Identify triggers, then avoid them.
It’s normal to reminisce about holidays past, when you and your partner went to Christmas Eve service together or lit the Hanukkah candles. If you’re mourning a lost relationship, do something completely different this year. Don’t go to the same places you went with your ex. Change how you decorate your house. Get rid of mementoes that remind you of him or her.
4. Flip the negative to neutral.
It’s important to learn strategies that can help you manage your mood and stress level. When you feel lonely or stressed, try this. See if you can identify the negative thought in your mind. It’s often something like, “I feel unattractive. Who’s going to ask me out?” Now consciously restate that thought in a positive way: “I finally have an opportunity to get to know myself and my own interests better.” This is an effective way to change your mood and perspective.
5. Tune in to your interests.
Perhaps when you were in a relationship, you always wanted to learn golf, but never had the time. Or maybe you wanted to go on that literary tour of Dublin, but your partner wasn’t interested in the least. Being alone gives you time to be selfish in a good way. Pick something that makes you happy and excited–and then write it on your calendar. Guess what? People who are engaged and passionate about something they enjoy are highly attractive to others.
6. Take baby steps to overcome shyness.
If you were in a long-term relationship that ended, you may feel painfully shy about dating, introducing yourself to strangers, or going to holiday gatherings alone. Shyness makes loneliness worse. As a proactive exercise, practice making small talk to strangers at your local coffee shop. Be a good listener, and when he or she responds to you, ask a question. This is how you start a real conversation and get out of your shell.
7. Respect family differences.
Remember, you can’t change anyone’s behavior or opinion at one family get-together. Be a role model and show respect for everyone’s opinion. Try to be patient when others ask you about your current relationship status or dating life. Keep it light and boundaries are okay in what you tell your family or friends at the holiday gatherings. Don’t spill your guts to everyone about everything. Respect one another’s privacy. In return, set limits for what you ask others about.
8. Test the relationship waters.
Once you feel that you can trust and really care about someone special again, it may be time to take some small steps in the direction of dating again. First, make sure you know what qualities you want in a new partner; jot down 15 specific qualities. Then, the holiday season is a perfect time to join a group activity that meets regularly, ask your friends to fix you up, or dabble in online dating. Look for someone who is similar to you in underlying key life values, such as putting the same importance on religion, or agreeing on how children should be raised. Don’t seek out your opposite.
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Dr. Terri Orbuch (aka The Love Doctor®) is a relationship expert for OurTime.com, as well as a professor, therapist, speaker, research scientist, and author of 5 best-selling books, including “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship,” available on amazon.com. Learn more about her at: DrTerriTheLoveDoctor.com.